I felt so weak today. Not being in the place I wished to be, did affect my mood badly. I have probably never felt so much lonely in my entire life. At least I can't remember so.
This road is too dark and dangerous. The very light that guided me so long has turned into an weapon of infinite confusion. I have really nothing left with me, except myself. How could I afford to lose my self confidence then? I can't. The hope for external help only creates more torments. I must believe in myself, I must believe in myself, I must, I must.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Goodreads
Link to my GoodRead account is now on the left menu. Nice place to see what others are reading!
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Companion
Few other things could be as helpful and powerful as one's own honest understanding. Experts' opinion, or the collective knowledge, nothing could come to help, if you, yourself can't truly realize and 'feel' it. This is where the idea of owning something gets so desirable. Something nobody can take away from you, something you can use at your own convenience is central to our way of living.
On this merit, I am well enough convinced to express that, a 'good' book is perhaps only second to one's own personal experience, and only if (the experience) was accurately appreciated for its complete value. Or else, a book would be the first one in queue.
Historically, for most of us, (biological) family is the first place where we begin to discover support from external world and get used to its comforts. For genetic advantage, these supports (all kinds, mental, physical, social, so on) are provided to us with such degree of generosity that, we tend to either loose the idea of ownership, or get started to believe that, we actually do own them. By 'them', I meant those help that we receive and by 'own'ing I mean the feeling that these helps are as if 'supposed' be awarded for some ethical or whatever reason.
I don't know about many others, but from my personal experience, I find it that, the chance of getting out of this illusion is probabilistically not very high. Even in grown up days, we continue to remain dangerously vulnerable to be critically dependent on others (may be society, friends, other entities or anything external that provide us with support) for our psychological and existential fitness. It's not too hard to see why it does not sound very promising for our survival value. For one thing, it depends heavily on something that is after all, not guaranteed by any sorts of rational consequences. Nevertheless, this is a very strong trait, perhaps a genetic one; possibly intensified more among some cultures than other, but threatening enough to be taken seriously for all practical reasons for goodness.
The solution to this is obviously beyond the capacity of one prolonged thinking, but it seems very intuitive to claim that, the first step would be to appreciate its existence. Far too many problems exist for too long, not just because they are impossible to be solved (although they as well might be), but because of the failure on the victim's part to actually recognize it. (In programming we have a buzz for it, "debugging", (the word "de-'bug'ging" has an interesting piece of real story attached it, yes Google it out :))). So let not this illusion of absence keeps us away from the real illusion (!). That would indeed mean a dead end for any kind of progress.
For this very step towards "conscience-growing" (borrowed from Dawkin, whose name I think is kinda funny as it always passes into my ears as two separate words Darwin, and Hawking) about the problem can indeed be very hard as well. And the best refueling station I could see for this kind of weaknesses (this weakness is something that most of us have), could be found, if searched with honest patience, in books. They are the best speakers of all times. A book can talk to you in your most convenient time and disposition at your utmost pleasing place, with the most suitable speed and volume, no matter who you are and what you do. Books are best companions at your good times and only more so in worst times. They can 'give' you something, an opportunity to 'buy' bits and pieces of invaluable consciences itself, to make it your own forever, firmed and fixed, without the fear of being stolen or snatched away, should difficult time comes. They offer you the greatest gifts of all, the building blocks of your imagination, the very you think, believe, realize, love and feel. They literally build your mind with 'bricks' for which the ownership is conferred to you completely in good faith. I could hardly think of anything better, and selfless, and true, and timeless. I gradually and deterministically fall for them, with all my hearts and conscience, part of which is gift; as my mind follows but an inescapable route to the marriage of our majestic companionship.
On this merit, I am well enough convinced to express that, a 'good' book is perhaps only second to one's own personal experience, and only if (the experience) was accurately appreciated for its complete value. Or else, a book would be the first one in queue.
Historically, for most of us, (biological) family is the first place where we begin to discover support from external world and get used to its comforts. For genetic advantage, these supports (all kinds, mental, physical, social, so on) are provided to us with such degree of generosity that, we tend to either loose the idea of ownership, or get started to believe that, we actually do own them. By 'them', I meant those help that we receive and by 'own'ing I mean the feeling that these helps are as if 'supposed' be awarded for some ethical or whatever reason.
I don't know about many others, but from my personal experience, I find it that, the chance of getting out of this illusion is probabilistically not very high. Even in grown up days, we continue to remain dangerously vulnerable to be critically dependent on others (may be society, friends, other entities or anything external that provide us with support) for our psychological and existential fitness. It's not too hard to see why it does not sound very promising for our survival value. For one thing, it depends heavily on something that is after all, not guaranteed by any sorts of rational consequences. Nevertheless, this is a very strong trait, perhaps a genetic one; possibly intensified more among some cultures than other, but threatening enough to be taken seriously for all practical reasons for goodness.
The solution to this is obviously beyond the capacity of one prolonged thinking, but it seems very intuitive to claim that, the first step would be to appreciate its existence. Far too many problems exist for too long, not just because they are impossible to be solved (although they as well might be), but because of the failure on the victim's part to actually recognize it. (In programming we have a buzz for it, "debugging", (the word "de-'bug'ging" has an interesting piece of real story attached it, yes Google it out :))). So let not this illusion of absence keeps us away from the real illusion (!). That would indeed mean a dead end for any kind of progress.
For this very step towards "conscience-growing" (borrowed from Dawkin, whose name I think is kinda funny as it always passes into my ears as two separate words Darwin, and Hawking) about the problem can indeed be very hard as well. And the best refueling station I could see for this kind of weaknesses (this weakness is something that most of us have), could be found, if searched with honest patience, in books. They are the best speakers of all times. A book can talk to you in your most convenient time and disposition at your utmost pleasing place, with the most suitable speed and volume, no matter who you are and what you do. Books are best companions at your good times and only more so in worst times. They can 'give' you something, an opportunity to 'buy' bits and pieces of invaluable consciences itself, to make it your own forever, firmed and fixed, without the fear of being stolen or snatched away, should difficult time comes. They offer you the greatest gifts of all, the building blocks of your imagination, the very you think, believe, realize, love and feel. They literally build your mind with 'bricks' for which the ownership is conferred to you completely in good faith. I could hardly think of anything better, and selfless, and true, and timeless. I gradually and deterministically fall for them, with all my hearts and conscience, part of which is gift; as my mind follows but an inescapable route to the marriage of our majestic companionship.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The Reducible Mind
Is there always a set of simple reasons for what and how we feel?
All complex things are nothing but careful arrangement of simpler things. So is our mind. We think complex, but the elements of it, originates from much simpler effects. If we could isolate our complete feeling for one particular concept, we could see a tractable chain of causality flowing neatly from one end to the other. But they overlap in a tremendously complex fashion, making it humanly impossible to have any clue where a particular thought is orginating from.
In practical world, reflection necessiates an external object. But in worlds of mind, things are a bit bizarre. A mind knows it is there, without having to require a mirror for it. Probably this very quality of self awareness is central to life. Self-awareness creates an isolation from the enviromnent, giving itself an identity separable from the surrounding. It brings the concepts of goal and objectives, feeling of individuality along with it. Thats one of the reasons, the more one thinks, the more ways one finds, in which, one is different from all the other, and the more 'individual' one becomes.
All complex things are nothing but careful arrangement of simpler things. So is our mind. We think complex, but the elements of it, originates from much simpler effects. If we could isolate our complete feeling for one particular concept, we could see a tractable chain of causality flowing neatly from one end to the other. But they overlap in a tremendously complex fashion, making it humanly impossible to have any clue where a particular thought is orginating from.
In practical world, reflection necessiates an external object. But in worlds of mind, things are a bit bizarre. A mind knows it is there, without having to require a mirror for it. Probably this very quality of self awareness is central to life. Self-awareness creates an isolation from the enviromnent, giving itself an identity separable from the surrounding. It brings the concepts of goal and objectives, feeling of individuality along with it. Thats one of the reasons, the more one thinks, the more ways one finds, in which, one is different from all the other, and the more 'individual' one becomes.
Quotable Quotes
The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. - CS Lewis
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
You've Got Mail!
Dear Blog,
I think I should thank you for being so loyal to me. When I am tired or excited, sad or happy, rational or not, you've always been with me. No matter with what color I paint, you've always listened to my writing, with diligence and affection. I know you can not talk, but isn't that the reason why you are such a good listener? I think I found a lot of meaning by talking to myself, and who else did a better service than you, as you preserve every single key that I stroke from the beginning? You never forgot me, or my thoughts, even if I did, you keep them with such care and beauty. You are as wonderful as is my love for you. People may not recognize you as a talking, living, breating companion, but what does that matter? I talk with you, think with you, live with you, my life. I crossed more distance with you in few years, that I hav not with most of my human friends in many years, perhaps I never will. Are we not just two chapters of the same book, one writing the other?
Your friend,
"The blogger"
I think I should thank you for being so loyal to me. When I am tired or excited, sad or happy, rational or not, you've always been with me. No matter with what color I paint, you've always listened to my writing, with diligence and affection. I know you can not talk, but isn't that the reason why you are such a good listener? I think I found a lot of meaning by talking to myself, and who else did a better service than you, as you preserve every single key that I stroke from the beginning? You never forgot me, or my thoughts, even if I did, you keep them with such care and beauty. You are as wonderful as is my love for you. People may not recognize you as a talking, living, breating companion, but what does that matter? I talk with you, think with you, live with you, my life. I crossed more distance with you in few years, that I hav not with most of my human friends in many years, perhaps I never will. Are we not just two chapters of the same book, one writing the other?
Your friend,
"The blogger"
Hahaha
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely
Favorite lines from "How green was my Valley"
"Prayer is only the other name of good, clean and direct thinking"
"When I was a young man, I thought, I would conquer the world, with truth"
There is, one good movie. (as it is said). It has been written once, played and seen already, nothing would ever change on it. But I have a deep understanding that as time goes, I will never be quite done with how much more I could find in it, that I would savor and cherish for life.
"When I was a young man, I thought, I would conquer the world, with truth"
There is, one good movie. (as it is said). It has been written once, played and seen already, nothing would ever change on it. But I have a deep understanding that as time goes, I will never be quite done with how much more I could find in it, that I would savor and cherish for life.
What worh is life?
I thought, and thought, and thought, and thought - what is it that I have, makes me feel so blindingly assured that I, not to exist one day would be an unfair affair? ..and the only answer that could ever come close, if any; is the way, love has touched us - and we, embraced her back.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Little did he know
I am afraid, if and when, at the peak of knowledge, man would learn enough to justify that, they bothered all the way through, just to get to the state of knowing that he does not know, from the state that he didn't know.
How Green was my Valley
Oh, such is the power of love...will compete against all the odds and dare to question nature to reverse her course, such is the passsion of it..intolerable, inexhaustible.
@ Men's Club
It is indeed a resting place for a rational mind. Things will never come as one wants, and will never be there as long as one wants, they come and go without any warning or anybody's please. No matter how good or great, or small or big, how insignifcant or how magnificent, it's all running into the same old past, where they will reside forever and yet never. Absurd as it sounds, is not without the truth.
..This is a place to realize not how tall one stands compared to one's surroundings, but to appreciate and acknowledge with complacency the incredible meaning of meaninglessness; to understand how elegent are things made not from intelligent design but by evolution, a lackluster, infinte progress of intermediates, towards its own infinity.
Nature (or whatever you call it) talks though her endless silence. We just have to get down to her, to hear her majesty. What she has to offer must be enjoyed without the greed for persistency or permanency, for, what is a gift is a gift, no matter how transient it is. We have to learn to understand nothing belongs to us, they never did and never will; that we could taste that once already demands a life time of gratitude (for which we live), and asking for that again or demanding it forever is as blatant as a parasite's glory.
..This is a place to realize not how tall one stands compared to one's surroundings, but to appreciate and acknowledge with complacency the incredible meaning of meaninglessness; to understand how elegent are things made not from intelligent design but by evolution, a lackluster, infinte progress of intermediates, towards its own infinity.
Nature (or whatever you call it) talks though her endless silence. We just have to get down to her, to hear her majesty. What she has to offer must be enjoyed without the greed for persistency or permanency, for, what is a gift is a gift, no matter how transient it is. We have to learn to understand nothing belongs to us, they never did and never will; that we could taste that once already demands a life time of gratitude (for which we live), and asking for that again or demanding it forever is as blatant as a parasite's glory.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Red Top Mountain
Succeessful day. Did pretty much everything I planned for. Shopping, cooking, cleaning and after all these, time for a get away to a place I could really enjoy.
Optimizing cooking time has been a problem for over a year (it was problem during student life too, but solution was much difficult that time), so last week I said, this is it. Cooking everyday or in an unplanned fashion is a waste of time, energy, let alone the quality of the food. So I will spend few hours in the weekend to save the after office hours of the weekdays.
So today's destination was Red Top mountain, much closer (less than 60 miles) than RockCity and probably more like a place I have been looking for. There is a wonderful lake, with a beautiful beach. Trees, waves, open space, wilderness and a quick route to the facility, all make it my long sought destination for frequent visit. Unlike probably many others, my objective is not just to enjoy the place, rather to help me enjoy what I want to do.
Reading this book "The God Delusion", have really been a joy from the beginning. The name of the book has strong words and is easily offensive for most people (from religious to semi-religious), but I didn't think that matters. What I found inside is well worth the time reading it.
Optimizing cooking time has been a problem for over a year (it was problem during student life too, but solution was much difficult that time), so last week I said, this is it. Cooking everyday or in an unplanned fashion is a waste of time, energy, let alone the quality of the food. So I will spend few hours in the weekend to save the after office hours of the weekdays.
So today's destination was Red Top mountain, much closer (less than 60 miles) than RockCity and probably more like a place I have been looking for. There is a wonderful lake, with a beautiful beach. Trees, waves, open space, wilderness and a quick route to the facility, all make it my long sought destination for frequent visit. Unlike probably many others, my objective is not just to enjoy the place, rather to help me enjoy what I want to do.
Reading this book "The God Delusion", have really been a joy from the beginning. The name of the book has strong words and is easily offensive for most people (from religious to semi-religious), but I didn't think that matters. What I found inside is well worth the time reading it.
Many a New days have gone
After many years, I have skipped dinner yesterday, due to sleepiness. I vividly remember those childhood days, when I used to fall asleep without supper and mom used to struggle to wake me up and make something reach my stomach. Those days are gone, but memories are not. Looking back, it seems only day before yesterday, but a lot of things have changed in the mean time.
And those morning shifts in the parimary, reminds of happy beginnings. Like other kids, I also had my share of nervousness, but my excitement was equally enough to keep things interesting. Followed by the assembly, the class used to start on about 7:30-8 am. Talking to peers was literally a crime and doing anything else other than swalloing the lectures were literally a felony. We were all kids in physical and in mental (well I hope/wish the instructor were not) terms. Our world was just a little bigger than those classrooms, where we used to live about 70-80% of our up-times. What was discipline and what was psychotic was way outside our knowledge and was unfortunately outside that of most teachers, too. (....)
And those morning shifts in the parimary, reminds of happy beginnings. Like other kids, I also had my share of nervousness, but my excitement was equally enough to keep things interesting. Followed by the assembly, the class used to start on about 7:30-8 am. Talking to peers was literally a crime and doing anything else other than swalloing the lectures were literally a felony. We were all kids in physical and in mental (well I hope/wish the instructor were not) terms. Our world was just a little bigger than those classrooms, where we used to live about 70-80% of our up-times. What was discipline and what was psychotic was way outside our knowledge and was unfortunately outside that of most teachers, too. (....)
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Trip to RockCity
I think we had a useful conversation today. May not be the perfect timing...May be I didn't need to drive 300 miles just to talk to somebody over phone (!), but still, it sure helped creating the mindset for that. What else could be more important than that? I wanted to talk to myself, I think I still did, only in the presence of an wirelsss entity.
I do realize success is not an one dimensional vector, nor is always easily quantifiable, but part of it is, right? All our understanding eventually boils down to numbers (this is a very interesting discussion I have recently revived, I should definitely write more on this, but on a separate sitting), so success also is most often appreciated in qualititve terms.
I have this stressful realization that, I have become less and less successful over the last 8-10 years. Now looking at my age, that's a big portion of my life! Whooh. I don't know what to say. Definitely it's nothing about my luck, I had all the opportunities. I did try too. But they must have been flawed and incomplete. Was there lack of persistence or sincerety, or something bigger? I may be less confined to a fixed set of rules, but I always appreicated and advocated regularity and strictness. I want freedom as the very first thing, but I also appreciate the cost to maintain that. So what is it that I have been missing so badly? Is it something I am really unaware of?
One aspect of failure analysis I always fail to find in contemporary views, is, the failure should be judged based on the amount of information present at the time of that failure, rather than the amount of information present at the time of judging it. Today, even I may very easily humiliate Aristotle for his audacious attempts to say anything about cosmology based on the argument that, they had little access to talk about something so big. But that would be unjust. At that time, the didn't even know how much they didn't know (but which is knowable)! (This is always the case, however).
(to be continued, I feel sleepy..)
I do realize success is not an one dimensional vector, nor is always easily quantifiable, but part of it is, right? All our understanding eventually boils down to numbers (this is a very interesting discussion I have recently revived, I should definitely write more on this, but on a separate sitting), so success also is most often appreciated in qualititve terms.
I have this stressful realization that, I have become less and less successful over the last 8-10 years. Now looking at my age, that's a big portion of my life! Whooh. I don't know what to say. Definitely it's nothing about my luck, I had all the opportunities. I did try too. But they must have been flawed and incomplete. Was there lack of persistence or sincerety, or something bigger? I may be less confined to a fixed set of rules, but I always appreicated and advocated regularity and strictness. I want freedom as the very first thing, but I also appreciate the cost to maintain that. So what is it that I have been missing so badly? Is it something I am really unaware of?
One aspect of failure analysis I always fail to find in contemporary views, is, the failure should be judged based on the amount of information present at the time of that failure, rather than the amount of information present at the time of judging it. Today, even I may very easily humiliate Aristotle for his audacious attempts to say anything about cosmology based on the argument that, they had little access to talk about something so big. But that would be unjust. At that time, the didn't even know how much they didn't know (but which is knowable)! (This is always the case, however).
(to be continued, I feel sleepy..)
Quotable Quotes
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. - Abraham Lincoln
No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. - Sir Frederick G. Banting
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx
No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. - Sir Frederick G. Banting
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx
Friday, March 07, 2008
Quotable Quotes
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." - Charles M. Schulz
I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso
I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso
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